Oohoo, Nize Baby, itt opp all de rize witt milk so momma'll gonna tell you a Ferry Tail from de Pite Piper fom Hemilton. Wance oppon a time was a willage from de name from Hemilton. So it was ronning along avveryting smoot wit Ho K - accept wot it was one acception: Was dere a hobnoxious past from rets. Hm! sotch a pasts wot dey was de rets. Wait, you'll hear -

Dey futt de dugs und keeled de kets,
Dey beet de babies in de cratles,
Dey ate de chizzes out from de wets,
Dey licked off de zoop from de cook's zoop-latles;
Dey opened kags from salted sprets,
Made nasts insite from Sonday hets,
Dey ivvin spoiled de wimmen's chets
By dronning de spicking
Witt shrikking, witt squicking,
In fifty deeference shops witt flets.

So you'll could imagine wot it was going on dere!! (Nize baby, take annoder spoon rize witt milk.) So de tseetizens from de willage held gredually a messmitting wot should be! So dey decited wot dey'll gonna sand a commeety from delicates, wot it should sick a huddience witt de Mayor. So dey came to de Ceety Hull so de Mayor gritted dam so: "Hm, goot-monnink, wot's by you on de mind? A leedle mod-sleenging, maybe?" So de spuxman sad, "De statics show wot it was lest year in dees willage a pupulation from fife hundred pipple, witt seex tousand rets!!! Is no?? So now, is a pupulation from seex hondred witt feefty savven pipple, witt toitin meelion hate tousand wit seex hondred witt seexty seex rets!! So for itch poison is exactically ninetinn tousand witt hondred rets - witt a mouze, witt a bog, witt a hant, witt a cockarutch yat!! Is diss a system??"
So de Mayor sad, "Hm, from where you gatting all diss inflamation? You was taking maybe a senses, ha?"
So de spuxman sad, "Don't get sourkestic!!! Spitches you making us from a five-cents fare, bot de rill hissues you awoiding, ha?? Maybe you blaming already de hinterests witt de traction trusses, ha? Wait yat!! Is coming soon illaction so you want maybe wot we should illact a Sushaleest?? Hm, you gatting pale, ha?? So geeve a leedle tut de metter!"
So de Mayor was mopping de prow in concernation, so jost den it came in a werry strange indiwijil wot presented his cod wot it sad on de cod:

Mr. P. Piper
Extoiminator from Woimin
Rets witt mize a spashilty
Toims cesh
Ulso newts witt toats witt wipers

So de Mayor was extrimmingly glifful so dey made queeck a boggain - wot he should make de willage reed from rets. So de piper stodded in to play on de pipes wot it was a poifict intimation from a beeg Swees Chizze - so it stodded in to ron efter him

Beeg rets, fet rets, linn rets, bunny rets,
Bron rets, bleck rets, gray rets, tunny rets,
Grafe old plotters, gay yong freeskers,
Cocking tails und preecking wheeskers,
Fodders, modders, huncles, cozzins,
Families by tens from dozens -

So dey gredually ren efter him in de reever so was dronned all de rets.
So de naxt day he came witt a bill so dot doidy ting from a Mayor sad,
"Hm - moneh you want? Ha Ha! I'm so leffing!! A goot for notting weggabound wot he wheestles a hull day in de beckyods so he nidds it yat moneh. Bitt it!!"
So de piper sad, "Hm, I must say wot dees is werry unattical conduct on de pot from a Mayor from a beeg ceety. Take batter a teep und dun't stott opp witt me!!"
So de Mayor sad, "Noo, so sue me in de coit. Besites, I dun't weesh wot I should be insalted witt trattened by a Grizzball so gerradahere queeck from de willage odder you'll gat maybe toidy days yat for fragrancy witt de pipe togadder. Goot bye, I got to arrange now a Mayor's Pipples Concert."
So de piper went houtsite so deed he stodded in to play all kinds from Cholston Jezz witt Honky Tonky Polly Woo, witt Don't Breeng Looy - so it came ronning foist one child. So he blew anodder nut so it came ronning anodder child so he blew gredually a toid nut from de pipe so it came ronning tweens - so de more wot he blew nuts from de pipe de more it came ronning efter him all de cheeldrun from de willage wot it chommed dem de myoozic so dey followed him gredually till dey all deesapeared!!

(Hm, sotch a dollink baby - ate opp all de rize witt milk!)

from the book Nize Baby by Milt Gross (Doran, 1926)